A spiritual life is one in which faith in God and love for people is central. Real living starts with surrender to God and to love. You won’t have peace until you make those the foundations of your life. At some point you have to let faith lead. You can’t be in control of everything. […]Spiritual Life
Don’t let your anger lead you. Find fewer reasons to be upset. It’s easy to be angry when you make everything about what you want.Letting Go Of Anger
You’ve told me time and time again you’re not ready. You care for me and appreciate my own care to an extent. But I know my care can be smothering. I am sorry for not giving you space despite our distance. But please, be direct and say when my unloading is upsetting you, or you just don’t feel like talking. The only reason I confided in you was because I trusted you. I never expected you to have all the answers. Nor did I ever expect you to continue to listen to me drone on. Please let me know when to change the subject, and I’ll gladly oblige. I’ll gladly make changes, and I already had. You had too. I’d halt myself from getting too dismal, and you’d begun to tell me directly when you were uncomfortable. Change was minimal, but I wish you could really see the progress.
I really miss you, and I bet you miss me. I think of you a lot as we approach the month of your birth. Likewise, I did want to reach out again months ago, but was displeased to see I was barred from accessing you through several communication outlets. Even searching your name in a directory or search engine is too much for me. I’d love to find other ways to connect with you, but not if it isn’t what you want. Since you were the one to stop this, you’ve left it in your own hands to be the one to restart it. Please, do not feel perturbed to do this. I have forgiven you and have no respite at all. Sometimes I think you wish I did, and I had, but grudges just hinder our fortitude. I stopped being angry because I know you are going through significant challenges just as everyone else. Further, I understand my presence in your life presents a duality that you can’t confront just yet. Please know that whenever you are ready to restart our friendship, I will be here with open arms.
I love you…still.
I will do better,
I will be better,
I will get more,
I will get respect.
I will get appreciation.
I will get validated,
I will love others.
Others will love me.
~ This is a positive affirmation I wrote to myself more than a year ago on a piece of receipt paper during a particularly stressful day working as a saleslady in a department store. It’s a very crumpled and stained paper, and it’s in my crummiest handwriting. Though I thought the message was good, and I need to remind myself of these certainties as often as possible. So I’m preserving this message here before I get rid of the paper.
You were in my dream last night. My brother had told my mom and I that my sister was talking to you, seated across from one another at a small dining table in what seemed to be a restaurant, on an outside patio. My brother, mother and I were seated in a dining booth. I can’t remember if my father were present.
I walked over to your table, and somehow got the impression my sister liked you more than I did. I approached you meekly, as we’ve been noncommunicative for far too long, and I worried you were still cross, and continue to urge me to forget you. But you were your true self–your best self–and just as kind to me as the moment we began texting. You were funny, smart, charming, appreciative, and sympathetic.
I may have mentioned the argument you initiated, the one I didn’t want to end until it had graduated into a compromising moral. You may have apologized, may have said it was a rough time at that moment, and you don’t hold it against me. I may have even seen you take out your phone, find my name in that messaging service, and remove the block on me. All or part of that could have happened, but I’m uncertain; you know how fuzzy dreams can get.
Then we walked along a field, and I think my family accompanied us, loosely. You began to look different. Your hair got longer, and you wore it in a bun at the back of your head. Then your nose got crooked. Then maybe your beard grew out, maybe your skin lightened or darkened–I don’t fully remember, it was a dream. I felt unsure if you were the same person, even though you were still handsome and had a similar personality. I was unsure if I could recognize you as the same individual. Then the dream ended.
I don’t know what this means, but it made me hopeful that you might be thinking of me, missing me, and forgiving me, maybe changing for the best. To certify this optimism, when I got dressed this morning, I put on the same shirt I had worn the last time we met in person.
resolution # 1,003 :: junejordan
I will love who loves me
I will love as much as I am loved
I will hate who hates me
I will feel nothing for everyone oblivious to me
I will stay indifferent to indifference
I will live hostile to hostility
I will make myself a passionate and eager lover
in response to passionate and eager love
I will be nobody’s fool
from Haruko/Love Poems
Resolution – Time of Insurgence Reflections 2021
|I do love the world.|
|I do find love and joy around the shadowy corners and even the brightest sun-drenched places where only bugs and cacti dwell|
|I do not believe in keeping hate in my heart.
I feel ill like Superman to kryptonite.
Those who feel such have no place in my life.
|Those who pay me no mind or forget me may someday find their way back,
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A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.
Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.
The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.
I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.
I know there’s racial inequity. It’s still unfair for people to make blanket assumptions about me because someone who “looks like me” (by that I mean they share my complexion alone; I’ve found it very discouraging when others say any other bespectacled, round-faced woman with light brown hair looks like me) or someone in my position (assisting a state government) has wronged them or aided and abetted wrongdoers. If you don’t know that I’ve done this, give me the benefit of the doubt. People are so quick to excuse any wariness from minorities or the marginalized but don’t talk about how keeping these prejudices is only furthering the cycle.
I’m tired of clapping for minorities when they say they don’t trust lawyers, law enforcement, or health departments. I’m tired of standing back in awe. That’s awful, of course. But I’m tired of people trying to wow me. I know, it sucks. Still, have some respect. We are all individuals. And it’s not like you’re the only demographic who distrusts the establishment. I have distrust too. Still, I try to give people a chance. I won’t always be duped, misled, or betrayed. Please stop giving excuses for people to continue being scared of helpful services, neighbors, and our siblings in spirit. Just because you have a fear of some systemic entity does not mean your fear isn’t prejudicial and shouldn’t be counselled.
So much catching up to do. Stuff to read, stuff to watch, stuff to remember, stuff to forget, etc.
Once I get to my actual tasks outside of training, I watch the training come together.
But man, there’s a lot to do in this world even beyond work. I got up to do some home tasks while I was writing this.
But I can’t figure it out, though it seems dozens of my friends have. But nothing is conclusive. Their complaints vary, as do their disinterests and rejections. Some stopped inviting me to parties or playdates, some deleted my phone number from their contacts, some just ignored any text I would send, some blocked me, some removed me on a friend list on a social network, some put me on restricted access in their friend list, some made painful comments about preferring a demure version of myself I am often. But I have no pride in the timid side of me; I pity it. I’m happiest when I’m most expressive. Saying “I liked it better when you were quiet” is akin to “I liked it when you were uncomfortable and unsure of yourself. When you didn’t retaliate any offenses and showed no passions.” Comments like this only self-perpetuate this pattern.
What is the problem? Maybe part of it is my verbose nature and how I constantly shift subjects. Another might be how I can only offer support and empathy after a breakup or admission of unrequited love and have no surefire solutions. Maybe it’s my uneasiness at being employed by one friend to consult our mutual friend about an issue they have together. I am more autistic, individualistic and American than I care to admit, and being a messenger proxy or intermediary when I have no direction correlation to this conflict does not make sense to me, and forgive me if I think a direct confrontation would be more powerful.
Forgive me, too, if I am bitter about my occupations and economical landscape. I had small aspirations in addition to large goals as a child, and I always wanted to work in a department store. While I’m very happy I achieved this dream, it made me very sad that the industry has been cannibalized and usurped by larger competitors, and later big-box e-commerce behemoths. It’s a justice and equity issue, which I hope you’d know all about. I am sorry I have ideals of what a proper company is and how its respective employees should be afforded. I’m still sorry that I don’t look upon this experience in total disdain and choose instead to walk the narrow path of good and bad. I’m sorry for still having some pride and favorable opinions of a decaying industry. I’m additionally sorry for disagreeing that allowing oligarchs to continue to rule the economy will positively shape the future. There should be a cap on how much corporate expansion is enough.
I’m sorry for not having traveled very much or sharing too many crazy, foreign experiences. I’m sorry I believe that “casual” or “no-strings attached” arrangements will only lead to heartbreak, or STDs and pregnancies. I’m sorry that I think significantly less of you and your morality if you seek them out.
Please tell me why I repulse you so much over time, friends and peers. Youth and elders don’t seem to be nearly as effected by this curse I weld.